The theme of my life seems to be limbo. Not the kind where you try to pass under a low stick. No, I am thinking of the other kind of limbo, the kind where you are stuck in between one world and another. It all started a few years ago. I had this uneasy, restless feeling for a while and then one day I realized I was in a transition period, the kind where you can't really make a move until an important event occurs, so you are literally stuck waiting. Of course, I went on with daily life, and waited, because that was the only choice I had. Then the thing happened that needed to, and I could move on to the next round. See, I was young and naive because I thought that was it. Now, I realize that as soon as one period of limbo ends, it is really just the beginning of another. Sometimes I think "Gawd I hate being stuck! I hate waiting, when will this end?" Then I remember all of the times I thought I was past a point and moving forward, when yet another obstacle landed in my path and I had to wait for the situation to resolve before I could continue on my way.
Life is Limbo. Life is waiting for this phase to be over, to start the next, which in turn is in itself just the waiting period for the next thing. This doesn't make the waiting any more tolerable, but at least I have some perspective. At least I understand that its not the waiting that really drives me insane, it is simply the not knowing the result of everything. Sometimes even, it is knowing the result, but knowing there is nothing you can do to get there any faster. But like I said, this is life. I am in another limbo right now, a sort of stalemate. I cannot do what I want because I might have an important obligation on the near horizon, a job that, if I get it, would be a financial godsend. And yes, I would enjoy it, but it would seriously take away from my ability to continue doing my own work. However, I know that if I do not get the job, I can just go back to my plan A, which is to run the circuit of markets and craft fairs, making and selling the things I love to make and sell. I just won't really be able to make as much money doing that as I could with this job... and I certainly would not have benefits, such as the big I, insurance, which I desperately need ASAP... So, in the meantime, I am waiting to find out if I have an interview or not, and then waiting to find out if I have the job, and then perhaps more waiting until I start it. I cannot commit to doing anything else until I know the outcome of this, so I cannot get into more markets or anything... I think you get the picture. It is very frustrating, but it is something I should be used to by now.
Life rarely goes as planned, and I am certainly not where I thought I would be at 25, partly because of my own decisions, and partly because of circumstances that are out of my control (*ahem* crappy economy). I also know I am not the only one for whom plans have come to a screeching halt, or at least been derailed or postponed. But please, do not get me wrong, I am not ranting pessimistically about how much it sucks that things are not what I had hoped for. In many ways, they are so much more than what I could have ever predicted. I am really trying to instill some hope, in myself, but also in anyone who reads this who can relate. You aren't alone, I am not alone, this is a universal conundrum. For now, all any of us can do is take it one day at a time and do the best we can to not go crazy wondering how it is all going to turn out, because none of us know until it happens, and it just takes patience.
Sigh... If you have made it this far, goodnight, and good luck.
-C
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